Mouse
by Asshatry
Summary: Mouse suffers from anxiety and Negan tries to help her cope. (FLUFF)


I wish I wasn't so scared all the time.

I didn't always used to be like this. Before the apocalypse, before the dead started coming back to life I was… _normal_. I had a job, I had friends, and I loved to knit. I was happy.

It all happened too fast, and I watched so many people I loved die right in front of my eyes. It left invisible scars inside me that will probably never heal. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, or maybe it was just who I was meant to be all along, but I became afraid. Panic would engulf every one of my senses any time my life was on the line. It happened so often, that I started to experience that chaotic feeling even during times when I was safe. Little things set me off. I felt like a ticking time bomb filled with anxiety.

I wasn't strong like the others. I was a helpless little girl, who probably should have died when this all started.

But I didn't die.

I was still here and living at a compound known as the Sanctuary. These creatures forced us to defend ourselves every single day, and sometimes good men had to become monsters to keep everything in order.

I was living with one of them.

 _Negan._

At least, that's what the others saw him as: a monster.

He was cruel and believed in following the rules. So I obeyed, and it really wasn't that hard to do. Maybe at first I had seen him as a monster and bought into all the gossip, but over time, I came to learn there was more to Negan than people believed.

He had a kind side, though he did his best to hide it. He was always acting so tough around his men, but sometimes, when he wasn't around them, he would become more laid back. More human.

In recent weeks, Negan and I had started spending more time together. But not in the way he would spend time with his wives. He would come check up on me in my little room and ask me if I needed anything. My nervous demeanor didn't put him off like it did with some of the others. He never teased me for it; I'm sure he was used to people being anxious in his presence. It wasn't Negan that made me this way, it was the fact the world was ending right before our eyes.

Sometimes he would come and sit on the chair I had pushed in the corner and I would listen to him vent about his frustrations with his men and the many communities he had to run.

He would talk and I would lay across my bed and knit. I never really said much, or as Negan put it, I was as "quiet as a mouse". It stuck, and became my nickname.

 _Mouse._

I loved that he called me that. It made me feel special.

I really appreciated Negan and everything he did for us. I heard about what he would do to people that broke the rules, but never had to witness it first hand. I was exempt from watching community punishments because I was a "good girl". I was afraid of a lot of things, but Negan wasn't one of them. I knew he was capable of doing bad, but I hadn't seen it. Maybe I was in denial, but he was the only one who talked to me.

The others looked at him with terror in their eyes, but I looked at him in admiration. They feared him. I loved him.

And I _hated_ when he left.

He had so many responsibilities and was always coming and going from the Sanctuary. I would sit by the window in my chair, knitting, and watch for him to return, knowing he wouldn't ever be gone for more than a day. I wanted to wait for him outside, but the walkers inside his fence scared me so bad, that I always stayed inside. When he returned, I would race to the front door to meet him. He would greet me with a big smile and say, "Hiya, Mouse!"

He spoiled me rotten, bringing me yarn and needles so I could knit. He told me I needed to make things and sell them in the marketplace. I decided to surprise him with a gray scarf one day, and he put it on right away and told me it was "motherfucking badass as shit". I wanted so badly to please him and asked if I could make him something else. He told me to get more points, but after some prying, he admitted he would love a blanket. So I set out to make him a big red one.

I was working on my new project while Negan sat in the corner of my room, studying Lucille and telling me about some of the problems he was having with another community. I nodded every few minutes to let him know I was listening.

But I stopped really hearing him and thought about how kind he was to me. I didn't really understand it; maybe it was because he could vent to me and knew I would never betray his trust. Or maybe he loved how quiet I was to let him sit here and just talk. Either way, I didn't really understand why he would come into my room and talk with me.

"Negan?" I asked, looking up from the tiny bit of blanket I had managed to create. I still had a long ways before it would be finished. "Are we friends?" I asked, interrupting his story. He didn't seem to mind, and cocked his head to the side, looking at me in confusion. I must have looked so unsure because he cracked a smile at me.

"I suppose so, Mouse," he said, leaning back.

I just wanted to know if we were. Hearing him say it made me smile and I looked down back at my knitting supplies. It was silent a few moments and then he continued his story. I couldn't stop smiling as he talked to me. I hadn't had anyone to care about for so long.

 _Now I had Negan._

The next day, I looked out my window and saw Negan's men loading up the trucks. My heart sank when I saw they were packing a lot of supplies. Negan was with them, giving orders like usual and organizing everything for their departure.

I don't know what came over me, but I found myself sprinting down the stairs and rushing outside for the first time in a long time. I was headed for Negan, but then I stopped dead in my tracks as the growls from the walkers inside the fence reached my ears. I looked over at them terrified and stood there frozen in fear.

Negan had a fence filled with walkers and they were meant to keep the other hordes away from the factory building. I rarely left my safe haven, but seeing him getting ready to leave had caused a sudden sense of panic within me.

I had made a huge mistake coming outside. I knew they couldn't harm me from their place impaled on the other side of the fence, but one turned and looked right at me and I just couldn't move.

"What can I do for you, Mouse?" Negan's voice surprised me and I jumped, turning to look at him.

I must have looked so frantic because Negan was looking down at me with a worried expression. I glanced back over at the walker, and then back to him.

"Are you leaving?" I asked, and my eyes kept drifting over to the walker that was reaching its decaying limbs towards me. Negan was so calm standing a few feet from the growling creatures.

"There's this fucking community that I have to go deal with. It's the one I was telling you about last night."

"How far away is it?" I asked, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"You don't need to worry about it," he assured me. "Focus on making me that bitchin' blanket." He was trying to convince me, and it wasn't working.

I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"How far?" I repeated.

Negan sighed, looking up and away from me and ran a hand through his beard.

"It's gonna be about a week," he admitted.

The tears spilled over as he finally told me.

"You can't!" I yelled, my voice raising and making his men turn to look over at us. Negan's eyes widened in surprise at my sudden outburst.

"You can't go! I don't want you to go!" I started to sob and I clenched my fists tight, looking down at the ground as my tears fell.

"It's only gonna be a couple days, Mouse." Negan said, chuckling lightheartedly in an attempt to de-escalate my growing dread. "You're a big girl. You don't need me to stay with you."

I didn't understand what was wrong with me, but my emotions were overflowing like a broken dam.

 _Maybe I was broken._

"Please don't leave!" I begged, looking up at him. "I'll make you all the blankets you want. I'll work without points. Just please don't leave."

I was starting to shake when Negan put his hands on my shoulders and his expression changed to a very stern one, something I wasn't used to seeing on him.

"Calm down," he ordered, but his voice was still soft. "Take a deep breath. Breathe, Mouse."

I closed my eyes, still trembling where I stood and did what he said. I took a deep breath, in and out and then another, and another.

It helped, but my heart was still beating like crazy and I still felt this panic inside of me. I opened my eyes and Negan was looking down at me so concerned. I could feel more tears coming and Negan's expression softened.

"Hey, listen to me. I am not fucking leaving you. I am never going to leave you." He was doing his best to comfort me and I continued to look at him, so frantic.

"You need to trust me, okay?" He said, squeezing my shoulder. "We're friends, right?"

I nodded slowly, sniffling.

Negan grinned wide at me.

"Friends trust each other. I need you to trust me. I'm coming back. _I always come back to you, Mouse."_

I knew he was leaving no matter what I said. I didn't want him to go. What if someone tried to hurt him? What if a walker got a hold of him?

I wanted to ask to go, but I was too afraid to leave the safety of Sanctuary's walls. I could feel the tears continue to form in my eyes.

"Hey, look at me," he said softly, and I did.

"I need someone to keep an eye on these bastards while I'm gone. You hold down my fort, and I'll be back before you fuckin' know it."

I nodded at him and felt a few more tears roll down my face. Negan lifted a hand, and brushed them away with his thumb.

"Dry those eyes, kid. I'll be back. I promise."

I stood there looking up at him as he grinned down confidently at me. He was so brave and such an amazing leader. I smiled through my tears at him, trying to show him I could be bold like him. I probably looked silly. He squeezed my shoulder and then let me go.

With that, he turned and ordered his men to roll out. I watched as Negan and his men got inside their trucks and drove out of the Sanctuary. Even after they were gone, I stood outside, still staring at where he had disappeared.

I did what he said. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Then another. And even as the walkers snarled near me, I ignored them and tried not to think about all the horrible things that could happen to him while he was away.

I let out a long sigh and closed my eyes, doing my best to will the tears to stop.

I decided, right then and there, that I needed to try and be strong.

Not for me.

 _But for my friend, Negan._


End file.
